Have you ever participated in a Social Media Shaming? How do you feel about it now?
I’ve been listening to the brilliant (in my own opinion of course) Conversations with People Who Hate Me Podcast and it’s really quite fascinating. It made me wonder– have you taken part in a social media take-down / shaming / dragging / cancellation and what do you make of it now?
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It wasn’t until I stumbled upon Conversations with People Who Hate Me and it’s author, Dylan Marron, that I had the courage to speak about this subject in this space.
This space was supposed to leave that world behind, with all it’s haters and negative comments and the intense shame I have around their very existence, too. But something that I personally got out of the show was how often the negative commenter either didn’t remember leaving the comment or just shared how unhappy / stressed / overwhelmed / self-loathing they were and attributed it to that.
I think what also helped my heart was to see that none of these featured guest combos (the ‘hater’ + the ‘hated’) were bad people.
Sidenote: there is not one human out there who is in the position to determine this, but that doesn’t mean that being labeled bad by a group doesn’t have impact.
So, here’s what really shifted something inside of me because of CWPWHM– even though the ‘haters’ often revealed that their comments sort of meant nothing and many times they couldn’t even remember leaving them, they had a lasting impact on the ‘hated.’
There’s something about being the subject of an internet smackdown that leaves you feeling like something is really wrong or bad with you. At least that’s how I felt. And many of the guests felt the same. Don’t even mention that my brain has already said this to me for my entire life. Seeing it in writing, with so many others in attendance felt absolutely humiliating and terrifying and just terrible.
Both sides getting to share their experience of this one moment helped me immensely. See, those of us who get hate feel stuck in that time, with that comment feeling pretty damn timeless. But for those who were writing, they just moved on, oftentimes forgetting altogether that they’d even made the comment!
What a different experience it is for the two sides.
All of this got me wondering if you’ve ever taken part in a Social Media Shaming and if it effects your vulnerability online.
I know that it was really hard for me to share anything when I felt that the entire internet was full of people just waiting for me to ‘make another mistake’ that proved that I was never learning or evolving or worse, proving that that I was as bad as people said. I lived in a state of PTSD (at least that’s what my therapist helped me see) and I slipped back into old coping mechanisms like perfectionism and procrastination and preparing myself for ‘battle.’
It was miserable.
But I’m not someone who engages in takedowns. I’ve defended myself. But I have never gone to someone else’s space and piled on negatively (at least not that I can remember). Why? Well, over the years the reason changed. First, it was because it just seemed too much like bullying. I also have never felt like I can pass judgement on others. And then as I grew a large amount of followers it also became about trying to prevent my own pile on.
It didn’t work, of course.
And I honestly think my own ability to be open and creative and confident in my online spaces has been affected by the constant worry that it would happen to me. It’s hard to share when you are super scared that you’ll never recover from making a public mistake.
And it’s paralyzing to write something when your body is in fear of social shaming.
I think that this stifles many amazing humans.
Their creative gifts and thoughts never make it to the world because they’re scared to do it wrong and get cancelled or dragged or publicly humiliated.
In that frame of mind, it’s easier to not post or to only copy what seems to be acceptable and that’s such a sadness to me. A lot of genuine human creativity and ingenuity is being lost because of this fear.
What I know now, of course, is that I can survive an internet shaming. I know that it happens to good people. I know that it can happen again and again and again and that still doesn’t mean I’m bad or wrong. I know that there are people who are having bad days writing posts that get them into trouble or cause trouble for others. I know that doesn’t make it any less scary to be online, and that if you have something to say it’s very likely someone out there will not like it or disagree with it or take it the wrong way or read it incorrectly or use it against you or, also just possibly hear it precisely as it’s meant and it will change their life for the better
So, it’s up to you.
To share or not to share.
To shame or not to shame.
Which do you pick and why?